...

Three days late and still no labor. I'm beginning to think it's all a cruel hoax and that I'm actually going to be pregnant forever. What if I am the one human female who somehow has the gestation period of an elephant? Those unfortunate bastards are pregnant for 22 months, wandering the roasting hot African plains and whatnot. That has to be uncomfortable. Poor suckers.

My frustration has been exacerbated by the fact that in the past week our mild, temperate summer has somehow morphed into a hellish, muggy 95 degree inferno. This weekend is supposed to be particularly scorching, and I had very much hoped that I would be able to spend it in an air-conditioned hospital room. To make matters worse, the fires burning in the hills of La Canada have made LA's generally awful air quality cross the line into truly atrocious territory, causing officials to issue disturbing "DO NOT WALK OUTSIDE UNLESS NECESSARY" warnings.

Now, I ask you - what is one of the tried-and-true methods of kickstarting labor? WALKING, and lots of it. Yet LA county has basically mandated that I do no such thing for fear of sucking buckets of filthy air into my pristine, pregnant lungs, and far be it from me to cross our dedicated LA city officials. Instead I have been reduced to lunging up and down our apartment's stairs ten times a night for the past several nights. Then I sit and bounce on my birth ball while rubbing my nipples and chugging labor salad dressing (magical salad, my ass! All it seems to have done is make me loathe balsamic vinegar more than I already did, which was quite a lot). Last night my husband gave me a foot and ankle massage, trying all the acupressure points that I had read would stimulate labor. So far no dice...but I'm trying here, people!

Ultimately, I'm sure that all my labor-inducing attempts are for naught and that the baby will come when it's damn good and ready. One thing is already evident: this child is stubborn, which means it is clearly its mother's son/daughter.

Hopefully the next time I write I will have a little person to show off.