In the land of baked goods

I work on the floor of carbohydrates. Donuts pounce at me in the kitchen. Coffee cake lurks in shadows. Bagels approach steathily, then fling themselves prostrate to beg at my feet. Most of the time, I'm quite content with my oatmeal and apple, but every now and then, I plunge headfirst into the sea of bakery items.

Although we are confronted daily by this constant parade of goodies, the paradox is that (with the exception of my skinny ass) the entire floor of my building is on a diet. It's rather horrifying. In their corporate version of "The Biggest Loser," they do weekly weigh-ins, calculate fat percentages, and have large sums of money riding on their ability to lose those extra inches. I have the great good fortune to sit right next to the kitchen, where I am continually entertained by a running dialogue concerning carbs, fat grams, calories, and points value as they microwave their frozen meals and gaze longingly at my peanut butter and jelly.

Needless to say, in this land of plentiful treats there is very little headway being made amongst the furtive, carb-lusting dieters. I witness the pilfered donuts, the "just one" chocolate that is suddenly five, the covert cookie consumption ("are those crumbs on your shirt, Sharon?!?").

Stop the madness, I say! Carbs are not the devil! What did the cute little donuts ever do to YOU? One bagel will not increase the size of your ass - four bagels might. One cookie is a delicious snack - ten cookies is gluttony.

Why are we taught to fear flour? Why banish entire food groups? When will our society accept that the only way to lose weight in a healthy fashion is to simply eat less and move more? Why do lazy Americans feel it necessary to pop high-priced "herbal" pills and suck down ridiculous "meal-replacement" shakes in order to gain a paltry sense of control over their increasing girths? Why must there always be a quick fix? What happened to eating vegetables, fruits, and foods that don't come from a box or a drive-thru? Why am I asking so many questions??

I hereby declare myself president of the National Carb Welfare League - protecting innocent carbohydrates everywhere.

I would rant more, but there's a bagel crawling up my leg that I must attend to.